Portugal = The Washington Capitals

Cristiano Ronaldo, in one of his typically dramatic poses

Alexander Ovechkin, Ronaldo's NHL analogue

If you wrote a script for a Hollywood sports movie with Cristiano Ronaldo as your main villain, they'd say his character was too unrealistic. Imagine a cross between Ivan Drago and Kanye West, throw on a few metric tonnes of hair product, and you more or less have "CR7." Ronaldo is a preternaturally gifted footballer, blessed with an exceedingly rare combination of size, speed, and technical ability that leads one to believe he may have been engineered in a Soviet sports lab like Drago. He also has a penchant for ostentatiousness and self-aggrandizement that makes Kanye almost seem humble by comparison. In addition to his attention-seeking antics on the pitch (which often involve removing his shirt), Cristiano models his own underwear line and dates Russian supermodel Irina Shayk off it. He won the Ballon D'Or this year, breaking Lionel Messi's streak of 4 consecutive wins, as he became the first player to ever "campaign" for the honor. He built a museum dedicated to himself in his hometown on the island of Madeira that displays all the awards he's won and conspicuously leaves space for more.

To be fair, Ronaldo has also donated millions to charity and paid for sick children's medical treatment.

Wilt Chamberlain once said "nobody likes Goliath," and Ronaldo-- perhaps deservedly-- receives the same anti-Goliath bias that athletes like The Big Dipper and Eric Lindros once experienced and that LeBron James and Alexander Ovechkin have now. (Cristiano looks particularly Goliath-esque when compared to the 5-foot-7, 140-some pound Messi, who is also much "quieter" both on and off the pitch.) Ovechkin doesn't have the same preening prima donna aura about him that Cristiano does; if anything, his off-ice persona is endearingly goofy. (On the ice / pitch, however, both Ovechkin and Ronaldo have been known to dabble in the dark arts.) However, Ovechkin has been unable to turn his remarkable individual talent into team success. In 3 Olympics with Russia, he has never won a medal of any color; and he's never led the Capitals past the 2nd round of the playoffs.

Unlike Ovechkin, Ronaldo has won several major titles at the club level with Manchester United and Real Madrid; but he has been unable to get over the hump with Portugal. In fairness, ever since the retirement of Luis Figo and his "golden generation" after Portugal's run to the 2006 World Cup semifinals, the team has depended singularly on Ronaldo as heavily as the Capitals rely on Ovechkin and as the Cleveland Cavaliers once relied on LeBron. Joao Moutinho is a quality central midfielder, and Portugal are usually strong defensively, but they have no truly elite players beyond Cristiano.

These Ronaldo-centric Portuguese sides have only one knockout stage victory in 4 games, but they have advanced out of the group in every major tournament they've contested (Euro 2008 and 2012; World Cup 2010). That streak, however, is in jeopardy after losing to Germany in a 4-0 blitzkrieg last week. Ronaldo entered this tournament with major questions about his health. He battled knee and hamstring problems in the later part of this past club season and has been limited in practice since joining up with the national team. The entire team was so outclassed in the Germany match that, while Ronaldo made no impact, it's hard to assess his fitness based on that.

Cristiano's health and the effect of the weather conditions in Manaus are two major variables heading into tonight's match between Portugal and the U.S. that will go a long way toward determining the outcome. If Ronaldo is not close to 100%, then Portugal becomes a very ordinary team, especially with their back line decimated by the injury to Fabio Coentrao and suspension of Pepe (who's certainly no stranger to red cards with Real Madrid) they suffered in the Germany match. If C.R. is healthy, the American defense will probably face a long night. Then again, the weather conditions in Manaus could have any number of effects. Win, lose, or draw, the story line in Portugal will be all about Cristiano Ronaldo; and he wouldn't have it any other way.