England = The Cleveland Browns

Paul Gascoigne, AKA "Gazza."
England haven't had a player with his passing and ball control abilities since his retirement.

Bernie Kosar, the passer that the Browns have fruitlessly tried to replace for over 20 years.

I'm going to start this post off with my favorite fútbol-related joke. Did you know that the American Revolution actually ended in a tie, but England lost on penalties? *Badumching*

Both England and the Browns won their last championship in the mid 1960s (1966 and 1964, respectively). Since then, not only have they lost, they've tended to do so in the most heartbreaking ways possible. As Browns fans suffered through "Red Right 88," "The Drive,""The Fumble," and countless other sporting tragedies courtesy of Cleveland's other teams, England has been eliminated on penalties in 5 of the last 8 major tournaments they've played. (World Cup 1998 and 2006; Euro 1996, 2004, and 2012). Throw in fan bases who vacillate between wildly naïve over-optimism and soul-crushing negativity-- regardless of whether real-world facts support either mindset-- and a general sense of decline in the country / city (Once upon a time, "the sun never set on the British Empire," and Cleveland was the 4th largest city in America and an industrial powerhouse), and you have unique stews of sports depression.

It pained me to write that last paragraph. Both England and Cleveland are places near and dear to my own heart. Cleveland is the "ancestral homeland" of my father's side of my family and was my home for about 3 years. And as the home of Ian Darke, Monty Python, Downton Abbey, sloe gin, the board game "Kingmaker," and about 76% of the world's best music, I want to like England. Really, I do. But their fans and media make that very difficult. The English football media is a wretched hive of scum and villainy that makes Mos Eisley Spaceport look like The Justice League by comparison. (Ian Darke, Steve McManaman, Ray Hudson, Rebecca Lowe, Kay Murray, Martin Tyler, Arlo White, and Jon Champion are exempted from that statement.) They continue to propagate an ideology that "English" style football-- consisting of a 4-4-2 formation, brutish physicality, no control and passing skill in midfield, and "route 1" long balls down the field to the strikers-- is the only way to play. No matter how much success other countries and their club teams may enjoy with possession-based football and players with actual ball control skills, the English Media Cabal still insists that "pretty" football can't win championships. Since many fans and F.A. leaders evidently buy into this hogwash, small wonder then that the teams England fields in tournament after tournament have the same weaknesses.

There may be some glimmers of hope for The Three Lions in this year's squad, though. England have one of the youngest sides in the tournament, featuring potential up-and-coming stars like Ross Barkley, Raheem Sterling, Jack Wilshere (AKA "Jack Wheelchair" due to his injury history), and Daniel Sturridge. Will Manager Roy Hodgson let the kids show what they can do? Or will he once again try to jam the dual square pegs named Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard into round holes? If the young-uns step up and Wayne Rooney can finally play up to his caliber in a World Cup, then England may well get out of Group D-- a task that just got a bit easier with Uruguay stumbling against Costa Rica and Gigi Buffon's injury for Italy-- and set themselves up nicely for future tournaments. If not, well, expect a lot more screeds about how "possession football is for weaklings" and other such drivel.

I'll close this entry with the band New Order's theme song for the England (In-ger-land) 1990 World Cup team. (The last English team that actually had a chance to win a World Cup.)